The Do Not Want List

whispers to my 18-year-old self

I was recently asked to write a letter to my 18-year-old self for a lovely young woman, Eliana, on her 18th birthday. I thought about how my aunt once told me the only job for kids 18-25 is to try stuff, change their minds, switch plans, flop, reset enough times that they come out of that phase with a long list of things they know they do NOT want. This way, every try or dead end is celebrated as one more thing you now know, rather than feeling like a failure— high five! That didn’t work out? Now you know! Figuring out what you DO want or what your purpose is all comes later. I am turning 50 this year and feel like I need to take another pass at my list.

Below is what I wrote:

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Oh my 18-year-old self

I’ve so much to tell you

From this distance I shout too loud

Hold yourself tightly but hold life lightly

But mostly I want to pull you close

Whisper in your ear

The way little girls whisper secrets or

Shy children whisper to their parents

Hand cupped

I would whisper this

Shhhhhh

Don’t worry or fuss

You are doing this section of Not Knowing exactly right

There is plenty of time for knowing

and frankly knowing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be

Your only job for the next few years is to

try things

and build a list of all the things you

do

NOT

want

Yes

The I Don’t Want List

This list will help guide you for your entire life

But the only way to build it is to try

Those experiences just add to your list

making each learning and restarting a success

The secret in your ear is

there is no such thing as failures or false starts or flops

The list looks like

I don’t want to learn like this…

I don’t want to live here or there…

I don’t want to listen to that advice again…

I don’t want to love like that…

The longer the list, the better.

Celebrate it all

There is one more thing you now understand

Add it to the list.

Because my dear

I look at my I Don’t Want List

Built when I was 18, 20, 22

hard won through a lot of doing what might have been considered flops

I can see the choices that came directly from what I learned

about what I do not want

Turned out to be the only times in my life where

I got exactly what I wanted

Then I would switch to your other ear and sheepishly confess to my 18-year-old self

I have spent my entire life trying to come back to you.

Your confidence

Your ability to leap

Your beauty and your bravery

All the things you don’t know yet

I want to swim the impossible upstream until I land back in the pool of 18

With the clearest calmest deepest waters cool and alive on my skin

I would kiss her forehead

hold eye contact for 18 full seconds

and whisper one last thing

Do not rush downriver

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